He was less polished than most of the men that July 4th. He had a swagger that stank of public housing, messy divorce settlements, and out of wedlock children.
“That’s my buddy over there,” he said cocking his thumb to the left. “We met in prison.”
I nodded. I found this is the best response to such an unexpected declaration.
“It’s funny,” he said. “There are no women in prison, so you end up fucking guys. And you think, when I get out, I’m gonna bang so many broads. You make lists in your head. Old girlfriends. Hot friends of your mom’s. Crazy lists. But when you get out, it’s harder than you think to leave fucking a guy’s ass behind.”
I nodded again, thinking about him fucking a friend of his mother’s. “I can imagine,” I said. ”What can I get you/”
“Two Bud Lites.”
I stepped away from the bar and turned to get the beers out of the cooler behind me.
“Whoa! Hold on,” he said. “Let me look at that ass. Back up.”
For the record, my ass is nothing extraordinary. In fact, it’s falling faster than the Dow during the Dot.com crash. However, I have found that if you wrap even the most mediocre wares in something tight, someone is bound to appreciate it. Someone like an ex-con. On vacation. Ordering two Bud Lites.
I did as I was told.
“If we were both in prison, and you had that ass…,” he said. I smiled, popping the beer tabs. ” I could get 15, n0, 20 cigarettes for that ass.”
This was a shock. While it’s true my out of prison moral compass can be a bit rusty at times, it had always been my plan to rely upon the strictures of monogamy for protection if I were to find myself in the big house. My intended strategy was to approach the meanest motherfucker in the joint and offer up my ass to him, but to him alone. I mean, consensual sex with one person, no matter how violent or undesirable, it better than rape by multiple undesirables, right? And now I’m finding out that I may not be able to even make that deal. That my ass might be more valuable on the open market that as a protected commodity. I took a chance.
“C’mon,” I said. “Wouldn’t you rather have this ass all to yourself?”
He looked down longingly and cocked his head. “It is a nice ass, ” he said, “but 20 cigarettes….” He shook his head.
“Thanks for the beer,” he said